How To Do a Perp Walk

It’s Worst Case Wednesday. And here’s the advice column I promised last week. Consider the following scenario: You’re at your desk, drinking $5 Starbucks and listening to the morning call. Three burly guys—Mack Truck faces—appear from nowhere on the trading floor. They’re miked up, wearing earbuds that stream deep inside their wrinkled jackets.

The men don’t work at your firm. But your boss is standing near them. He’s deferential, giving them wide berth. The three point at you, whispering into their mikes as they walk in your direction. Your colleagues eye the muscle. Then they eye you. Next thing you know, you’re listening to Miranda rights and thinking:

I’ve never done a perp walk before.

Not to worry. I’ve culled through videos, some from Wall Street and some from New Jersey, and offer the following how-to tips for the perp walk.

1. Don’t panic. It’s okay your hoodies are in the wash.
2. Grab your sunglasses. Wraparounds work best because they hide more of your face. Grab your baseball cap, the one you keep in case it rains.
3. Take off your tie. It’s better to wear muted clothing.
4. Don’t slick back your hair. Too Gordon Gekko.
5. In your most compliant voice, ask to wear the cuffs in front rather than behind. It’s more comfortable and you’re putting law enforcement on notice: I don’t rattle, fellows.
6. If the Feds insist on arms behind your back, stick your hands up under your jacket so as to hide the cuffs and eliminate the visuals.
7. No swearing.
8. Don’t smile or smirk. Hold your head high. You have one goal: avoid “skeevy” body language as you work your way toward the squad car. You are invisible under the baseball hat and black sunglasses.
9. Don’t push reporters under any circumstances. The film clips will make every news show at 11 pm. Forever.
10. After the doors close to the squad car, ask the driver a question. Act engaged. Pretend your car service is taking you to the airport. The world is still watching.

Norb Vonnegut