Mary: “Nobody says ‘pantyhose’ anymore.”
Me: “Then what do they say?”
So began my education into the differences between stockings, leggings, and tights. When Mary and I were walking though San Francisco recently, she pulled me close and pointed to a stylish, young woman. “Those are leggings.”
“Why aren’t they ‘tights’?”
Which meant every television show or trip to the store became a deep dive into hosiery 101. During the Polar Vortex, my wife pointed to the morning news anchor. “See, she’s wearing black tights.”
Of course, my interest is all in the name of research. I’m writing a character named Helen Chen. She’s obsessed with fashion. She’s also troubled that Boston’s Chinatown is nothing like what she remembers from childhood.
Tufts Medical is swallowing the neighborhood. The streets aren’t so crowded anymore, and it’s almost impossible to find dragon-eye—which is a sweet, eyeball-shaped fruit. There are fewer Chinese restaurants, and for that matter, there are fewer Chinese.
But this is a post about one man’s journey into stockings. Literally. And I must say it’s wonderful to be a writer who studies women’s legs for craft. The primary research, not so much fun…
I’m trying to figure out whether Helen Chen is sexier with or without stockings. It’s a question that’s been eating me. If you want to weigh in, I’d like to hear your thoughts.
I love book research. I get to obsess about things, and there’s a surprise around every corner. In this case, the best observation I’ve found about hosiery comes from a guy writing about the fishing community in Rhode Island.
I picked up Spartina to see how John Casey describes South County, the seaside area where Mary and I live. It’s a lovely book, and Casey is a master at spilling the sights, sounds, smells and, oh yes, the vernacular across his pages. Where else do people talk about “quahogs” or “tautogs” or the “big hairs” on Scarborough Beach?
In one passage about a crusty old fisherman’s reaction to a lending officer, Casey writes, “If she’d been slick, young, sure of herself, crossed her legs with a little scratch of nylon on nylon as she leaned forward, he might have blown up.”
My first reaction: What a talent!
Unable to contain myself, I bounded upstairs into Mary’s office. “Do stockings really make scratching noises when they rub together?”
“Sometimes. Depends on the type.”
Then I got it all: nylon versus Lycra; stockings versus tights; silhouettes; the agony of control tops; how women pay attention to the way their clothes sound; the whole shebang.
If I hear another word about Spanx, I’ll scream.
I wanted more about the stockings. “Is it really a scratchy noise, like scritch, scritch? Or is it more of a rustling sound?”
With that, Mary disappeared for a moment and, you guessed it, returned with a pair. “Go ahead.”
“No way.”
“How will you ever describe the sound if you don’t make it yourself?”
Now you know the rest of the story. But let’s be clear. I only pulled them up to my calves. And I didn’t like it. Which, I know, I know, sounds like, “I didn’t inhale.”
But, trust me, I don’t have what it takes to be a cross-dresser. (You can see the run courtesy of my toenail.) Putting on stockings feels like stepping into a hot, itchy, too-small plastic bag. When I took them off, I wanted to claw gullies into my shins.
I still don’t have the right words to describe that “scratch of nylon on nylon.” I’m struggling with how to play it on paper. It’ll come. But I think there’s a bigger, maybe prurient question here:
How far have you gone to get the details right?
The New York Times describes my novels as “money porn,” “a red-hot franchise,” and “glittery thrillers about fiscal malfeasance.” Through fiction I explore the dark side of money and the motivations of those who have it, want more, and will steamroll anybody who gets in their way.
Norb, I admire your dedication to the craft. And now we all know what to get you for Christmas.
How about February 14?
Did you go too far with the research?
No.
With the photo?
Umm, yeah.
Oh, come on. I have great legs.
A few thoughts:
1. Unless you’re planning on wearing open-toed pumps, next time go for the reinforced toe (and keep the toenails trimmed and filed).
2. Generally it’s the thighs that rub together, so your research was terminated too early.
3. Shaving the legs generally improves the overall appearance.
4. A 3″ or higher heel adds definition to the calves.
5. I can’t believe you didn’t “research” the joy of tummy control. I’m afraid you only waded half way into the project, fleeing before the spandex got a tight hold on you,
6. You’re obviously in need of additional tutoring – I’m sure Mary has more to offer.
Thank you, Dorothy. Maybe it’s because I didn’t go up to the thighs that I’m still struggling with that scritch, scratch sound.
Now that’s what I call dedication in the name of research! Especially when you consider that, whenever anyone Googles Norb Vonnegut and pantyhose, that picture will likely be the first thing to show up. (Unless there are others already out there that we just don’t know about…)
It’s a tough job but…
Nope…I did not see that coming.
It’s a look.
Helen Chen may be upset about Tuft’s Medical encroaching on Boston”s Chinatown, but think of what NYU has done to Greenwich village, and the destruction of Washington Square.
Actually, I’m not sure what NYU’s impact has been on Greenwich Village and Washington Square. But I’m curious to learn more. Chinatowns have traditionally been places where Asian immigrants could find goods and services. Is there a parallel?
Washington Square and the lower part of Fifth Avenue used to be a wonderful, romantic, colorful area of New York, buzzing with artists and singers, After NYU moved down from the Bronx, it took over lower Fifth Avenue for dorms and turned the square into a quad. Greenwich Village is gone.
I took my baby granddaughter to Washington Square everyday a couple years ago, until she moved to San Francisco. I’d never been there before so I was smitten with the park, even though we had to cut our way through all kinds of construction to get in. I hadn’t realized the university took away land in order to secure a place for itself. I thought New York more adamantly preserved its unique culture for the people and beautiful places, rather than allow its charm to be destroyed by corporations. To me, its Future Shock continuously rearing its ugly head and it makes me profoundly sad. 60 Minutes addressed that very thing last night with regard to its busting up farm villages, then creating ghost cities in their place. What are we doing to people? We’ve got a whole lot of the wrong folks at the top, holding all the money, making the decisions, misdirecting appropriations to build overpowering structures. There’s a war on what it means to be truly human.