NORB VONNEGUT

Next week I’m starting an advice column for finance professionals: Worst Case Wednesday. It’s about what to do when the unthinkable happens. You’re late for a meeting—even worse, you sleep through it. The SEC shows up at your front door. Your client asks an uncomfortable question, inviting a white lie. You flunk the Series 7. [...]

These stockbrokers are tired, though. They’re resting on their laurels and no longer going the extra mile. Not open to new ideas. It’s now difficult to separate personal from business, and given the confusing relationship, you may find yourself wondering, WTF.

NuSKINNERS are stockbrokers who resemble multi-level marketers. They work at “wire houses,” the big firms with thousands of investment reps.

SQUIDS are the stockbrokers who wrap themselves around senior management at their firms. They don’t cold call. They prospect inside their own walls and play brokerage-house politics.

PULPIT POUNDERS are stockbrokers who campaign to save you from the villains of Wall Street—even if it means dumping on their own firms.